What the What?????

Search: Aiming to be the world's fattest woman
Donna Simpson is working as hard as she can to get fat -- very, very fat. She weighs 600 pounds, she claims, and is vying for the title of world's fattest woman from the Guinness Book of World Records.
If she can't do it, she'll settle for world's fattest mom. She faces some sturdy competition from this woman, who had triplets in 2008, when she reportedly weighed 560 pounds.
How does Simpson do it?
Her daily caloric intake goal matches that of world champion swimmer Michael Phelps -- when he's training ... a lot. Simpson can't move more than 20 feet, reportedly, without help from one of these.

Hey, everyone needs to have a goal right?

And I'm glad she hasn't put too much pressure on herself...she's okay just being the fattest mom.

That extra pressure could become really stressful on her.

Her children must be so proud of her.

SERIOUSLY!!???!!!!

Liar, Liar Pants on Fire

Lying kids are like poker players.

They each have a "Tell".

A little sign giving away their bluff.

Most professional poker players try to disguise these

"tells" by wearing sun glasses or horrible hats.

It must work for them because they make ridiculous amounts of money.

I would not have been a successful poker player.

When I was a kid I was always shocked when my

mother knew that I wasn't being completely honest with her.

How ever did she know?

I'm sure I messed up my hair and

rubbed my eyes enough to look as though I had been napping for hours.

(Unfortunately, my 5 year old concept of time was

much more skewed than my wiley mother's.)

I now realize it was not that my mom had some

truth uncovering ability...

I just wasn't very smart or creative.

I don't think any sort of eyewear or hat could have helped me.

I was a lousy liar.

Fortunately, my kids inherited this trait.

I've got their "tells" down pretty pat...

except for one of them.

Lindsay just breaks down crying, racked with guilt that

she has disappointed her mother.

And she rarely lies anyway.

Easy Peasy.

Miss Makenna says "uhm" and "well" a lot

while she looks around aimlessly......

like candy from a baby.

Ethan simply stares at me in silence.

Tyson is just fat.

They do the same thing every time they lie.

Now, if she knew the difference between

a spade and a club and if it

wasn't breaking some sort of child labor laws,

I would sign

Olivia

up on the National Poker Tour....

Lie detector tests break down in fear when she is nearby.

She's figured it out -

no glasses or hats necessary.

She has no "tell".

She simply does something different every time.

It's very confusing.

It's like she has some juvenile form of Jedi Mind Power...

"These aren't the droids you're looking for...move along".

She's very clever and quick on her feet.

My only hope is that she will channel this power for good

and become a best-selling fiction author instead

of author of some Ponzi scheme.

I've somehow got to crack her.

Since Gepetto already owns the nose growing trick

I'm currently in the process of developing a pair of pants

that will actually catch on fire when a child tells a lie.

But I've got to hurry up,

I only have 9 years until she's 16...

and dating boys...

and driving cars.

I may have to resort to a plan involving handcuffing her to her bed.

You know, if the pants don't work out.

There must be hole in my pocket.

I seem to have misplaced the

month of January.

How is it February already?

How do you lose entire weeks at a time?

I don't know where it went

and most of the events are a blur...

but at least I know that I am

one month closer to sleep outs on the tramp,

baseball park nachos, and bright toenail polish.

Oh, how I do love the warmth.

Maybe I can misplace March as well.

Every day, life changing moments

So it's probably a really bad sign that I'm getting my "New Year's" post up a week into the new year. But if you know me well, you'll know that I'm right on schedule.

Recently I heard someone say, "We don't remember days, we remember moments." 2009 was filled with 365 days, most of which will be forgotten. We have had many "moments" that we will remember for a long time. We watched as our last baby cut his first tooth. We realized that our oldest child will be gone from our home in fewer years than we have had here here. We remembered that we need our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ more than any worldly posession. We know the importance of family and saying "I love you" often. We have been blessed and supported by amazing parents.

As I looked through our 2009 calendar I noticed many big life events written next to day to day obligations. Surgeries and baptisms appear next to dentist appointments, birthday parties and soccer games. While pre-school, primary meetings and dance class dot the little squares on a regular basis, things like "family vacation" and "Dad's Brain Surgery" stick out like they're written in Neon lights.

The mundane penciled in next to the momentous.

Which events are more important? The routine or the rare?

Both are necessary to appreciate the beauty that "life" offers.

When I see that I took dinner to someone on the same day that we had 4 other activities, I don't remember the chaos that I'm sure ensued.

I remember the look of gratitude on the face of a friend.

I am positive we were very late to Stake Conference but I recall a certain talk that was given that I needed to hear.

With all 3 girls in dance and soccer, it felt like we were in the car.....a lot!! But I know that those girls learned valuable lessons of teamwork, sportsmanship and learning to deal with defeat as well as victory. And knowing that they have more rythym now than I ever will makes Dance totally worth it.

There have been birthdays and BBQ's, shots and show and tells. We've enjoyed swimming and sleepovers and survived Fast Sunday's and Full Body Casts.

We've sung in choirs and we've seen Chemotherapy.

It's been a year full of "the same old, same old"...mixed in with the "I hope we never have to do this again"s.

Every year on December 31st I feel a little strange taking down the ratty old calendar with it's scribbles and tears. Like I'm letting go of an old friend who understands why I didn't always get the laundry done. I was too busy.

But I do love picking out a new calendar and seeing all of those blank pages just begging to be filled up with the daily events of our lives.

New 'moments' to be made.

A fresh start at being better.

A year of faith testing unknowns.

A whole new year of every day, life changing moments.