Liar, Liar Pants on Fire

Lying kids are like poker players.

They each have a "Tell".

A little sign giving away their bluff.

Most professional poker players try to disguise these

"tells" by wearing sun glasses or horrible hats.

It must work for them because they make ridiculous amounts of money.

I would not have been a successful poker player.

When I was a kid I was always shocked when my

mother knew that I wasn't being completely honest with her.

How ever did she know?

I'm sure I messed up my hair and

rubbed my eyes enough to look as though I had been napping for hours.

(Unfortunately, my 5 year old concept of time was

much more skewed than my wiley mother's.)

I now realize it was not that my mom had some

truth uncovering ability...

I just wasn't very smart or creative.

I don't think any sort of eyewear or hat could have helped me.

I was a lousy liar.

Fortunately, my kids inherited this trait.

I've got their "tells" down pretty pat...

except for one of them.

Lindsay just breaks down crying, racked with guilt that

she has disappointed her mother.

And she rarely lies anyway.

Easy Peasy.

Miss Makenna says "uhm" and "well" a lot

while she looks around aimlessly......

like candy from a baby.

Ethan simply stares at me in silence.

Tyson is just fat.

They do the same thing every time they lie.

Now, if she knew the difference between

a spade and a club and if it

wasn't breaking some sort of child labor laws,

I would sign

Olivia

up on the National Poker Tour....

Lie detector tests break down in fear when she is nearby.

She's figured it out -

no glasses or hats necessary.

She has no "tell".

She simply does something different every time.

It's very confusing.

It's like she has some juvenile form of Jedi Mind Power...

"These aren't the droids you're looking for...move along".

She's very clever and quick on her feet.

My only hope is that she will channel this power for good

and become a best-selling fiction author instead

of author of some Ponzi scheme.

I've somehow got to crack her.

Since Gepetto already owns the nose growing trick

I'm currently in the process of developing a pair of pants

that will actually catch on fire when a child tells a lie.

But I've got to hurry up,

I only have 9 years until she's 16...

and dating boys...

and driving cars.

I may have to resort to a plan involving handcuffing her to her bed.

You know, if the pants don't work out.

So a few years ago (like 34) my mom was born.
Her birthday is today and I just had to do a little post
and let her know how amazing I think she is.
I have always known this but have come to
really appreciate what a great mother she is
even more now that I am a mom too.
I find myself calling her more and more frequently
to apologize for some random thing that I'm sure I
did 25 years ago.
The conversation usually goes something like this...
"Hi Mom. I'm just calling to say sorry for all the times I
"copied" Melinda until she cried." or "Hey Mom, did I ever purposely
make the most annoying sounds you could possible imagine?"
"If I did, I'm sorry."
She usually says something like,
"I don't remember."
So it gives me great hope that I won't remember
the silly things that drive me kukoo.
Looking through some old pictures I said to my sister,
"I forget what Mom looked like when we were little.
I just always picture her looking like she does now."
But I do remember what she was like.
My mom was the mom who started the water fights with the neighbor kids.
She was always making bird houses with the scouts or pillows with the Young Women.
She was never without a project for the Primary.
She was busy being the one in charge of the School Carnival.
There was always an extra dinner being made for somebody in the neighborhood.
She could sew anything.
It seemed like she was canning something every day.
We went camping all the time.
She mowed the lawn and did most of the yard work.
Our yard was always beautiful.
I remember 5 kids in a tub with chicken pox at the same time.
She answered the phone the same way every time.
The hairs on the back of her neck would stand on end if she
didn't like one of your friends. She knew the good ones.
She was always involved politically and knew about current events.
We had the first 'flagpole' on the street and she was very proud of it.
She loved her Pepsi.
She got 7 kids and herself ready for church on her own for years.
She didn't love to cook but we always ate great, healthy meals.
She knew exactly what to say when I told her that the boy I liked....
liked my best friend. (this happened often....Natalie).
She had a beautiful signature that I could never forge correctly.
She always sang in the choir and I could pick her voice out of everyone.
I remember her plunking out notes on the piano until she knew the song.
She hated sleepovers.
She had the prettiest fingernails.
She made me look like this.

She was fair and didn't like to get mad.
But if she was locked in her room.....you didn't knock.
(I totally get that now)
She wrote thank you notes.
She loved and took care of animals.
She sometimes let us stay home from school even though
I'm pretty sure she knew we were faking it.
Sometimes she cried.
She was on a bowling league and taught me how to throw a strike.
She was really good at softball and either played or was the umpire.
She loved taking long drives to nowhere in particular.
She babysat other kids to help provide financially.
(Just the thought of that makes me very tired.)
She was always a room mother and made great treats.
We always had amazing Christmases.
She hated laundry but we always had nice, clean clothes to wear.
Summertime was like magic at our house.
She knew all the employees names at Ream's and they loved her.
She had a great laugh and was a fabulous story teller.
She gave us jobs even though I'm sure it would have been
easier just to do it herself.
I learned to look until I found whatever it was she sent me to get
cause' if she had to eventually go and get it......*shiver*....
She didn't (still doesn't) like going out to lunch.
She always got the bag of popsicles with the root beer flavor cause I loved em'.
She came to every recital, concert, play and performance.
I pretty much grew up at a ball-park.
She shared my dad with the whole neighborhood.
She had (and still does) a tremendous love of the gospel of Jesus Christ.
She loved her family.
These are only a few of the memories I have of her.
I really could go on for days and talk about all the wonderful things
that make my mother who she is.
She is a fantastic 'Nana' and I'm so glad my kids have her.
She is still all of these things and even more.
Hopefully, the way people look at me is a reflection on her.
Thank you mom for not only giving me life
but for teaching me how to live it.
I know I am a better person because of your example.
Happy Birthday.
Love you.

What kids really think we do all day.

So I got this cute e-mail. The mommy in this picture sells shovels at Home Depot. The teacher thought the mommy was a pole dancer. It reminded me of a funny conversation I had with Makenna a while back. My day started early with the baby and getting kids off to school. I threw in a load of laundry and folded the load in the dryer. Then the little kids had breakfast and a bath. I took a minute to check my e-mail and then got in the shower. Off to the Dentist we go and then a quick trip to the store. I got home and cleaned out the junk drawer, (the random paper clips, dead batteries and countless pens with no ink had been haunting me in my sleep for weeks and it just had to be done). Next was a project for church and then another load of laundry. Made lunch for Ethan and Olivia and cleaned out the microwave. I paid some bills, cleaned the sinks and sewed on 2 buttons. Fed the baby. A quick vacuum job, a call to the neighbor and another bath for the baby (love those blow-outs) and it was off to the post office, the bank and time to pick up the kids from school. Homework time and a half-hearted attempt to clean their rooms ended with everyone either yelling (not me of course ;)), crying or lying about who's clothes were on the floor. I cleaned the fish bowl and tried to organize the hall closet but failed. One of the girls had a birthday party to get to and then it's time to start dinner. I watered the plants, ironed 3 shirts, a skirt and a pair of pants, and then fixed the bathroom clock. Fed the baby. Time to pick up from the birthday party and drop off to dance class. Yay!, dad's home." Hi, how are you?" "Good. You?" Mated some socks, cleaned up the spilled cereal, and put the head back on the barbie. Oh time to pick up from Dance. Dinner and dishes, fed the cat, undid the knots in four hair ribbons, and put a band-aid and a kiss on the latest injury. Emptied the garbages and fed the baby. Time to get ready for bed, (why does this always take an hour and a half longer than is necessary? It's like they hit this slow-motion time warp in the bathroom. Does it really take 8 1/2 minutes to brush your teeth?) As I head to tuck them into bed I put away 2 pairs of shoes, a scarf and about 7 matchbox cars. So I'm kissing goodnight and Makenna says to me, "Mom, when I grow up, I want to be a mom just like you." I was so pleased that this little girl appreciated all the things I did during the day and wanted to follow my example. Then she finished by saying, "You get to stay home and just do nothing."